Thursday, April 30, 2009

Smug Preggos & Baby Making

So my super fabulous editor sent this video link to me yesterday. Let the hilarity ensue.

This instructional vid titled Como Hacer Un Bebe comes from Dave. Jeez! If only someone had told us we've been doing it wrong all these years! At least we know what to do next time.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Oh, Craig Ferguson, how I love thee! His bit on the swine flu last night, complete with pig puppet, was hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the Pig-pocalypse and zombie bacon jokes.

In all seriousness, I'm just not that concerned about swine flu. I probably should be since I'm pregnant and my husband spends 24-48 hours at a time crammed into the back of an ambulance with puking, bleeding, coughing, pooing folks. Dave's hand washing habits verge on obsessive when he's at work, and I spend most of my time indoors with the occasional trip to the grocery store or Barnes & Noble or whatever.

I'll take the usual precautions and if I get a temp or a cough or flu-like symptom, I'll head straight into see my doc for some Tamiflu or Relenza. Beyond that, I'm not changing my routines. Sure, swine flu is serious, but really it's the paranoia that'll get you.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Bea Arthur

So Bea Arthur passed away over the weekend. I'm so sad. I'm seriously obsessed with the Golden Girls. I have almost every season on DVD and watch them, like, every week. I'm running my own Golden Girls marathon right now. I'm up to Season Three, Disc Three and laughing my ass off.

Since it's a rainy Monday, I'm not really motivated to do much else than curl up on the couch with the dog and watch TV. Every now and then I have to get up and grab the umbrella to escort Bosley outside. You'd think a 150 plus pound Great Dane wouldn't be afraid of a little rain, but he's a big blubbery baby about it. He'll do the pee-pee dance until his legs are shaking rather than go out into the rain so Dave or I have to get out the big umbrella and hop puddles while he looks for the perfect spot.

Yes. It looks as ridiculous as it sounds.

RIP Dorothy Zbornak.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Fence! She Burns!

So Dave and I came home from the grocery store to find a portion of our fence charred and smoldering. Yeah. Can you say holy shit? Like I need that kind of stress, right?

How did our fence catch fire you ask? Well, you see, we have neighbors who smoke and who have friends who smoke. It seems someone just dropped a cigarette butt and--whoosh!--the whole thing went up. It was windy as hell here today, and our neighbors don't exactly take the best care of their back lawn. Like a fucking tinder box...

Look, I'm fairly open about the fact that I think smoking is a filthy habit, but I'm super tolerant of smokers so long as they're responsible. Don't blow smoke in the faces of non-smokers, kids, or pregnant women. Be safe with your butts and ashes. That's all I ask. What you do with your lungs is your business.

But this is ridiculous. I've already got anxiety problems. Now, every time I leave the house, I've got to worry about whether or not our neighbors are going to burn down our damn house with the dog inside. Or catch our house on fire when I'm asleep.

We left them a note because they weren't at home. They called, apologized and promised it won't happen again. Of course, they blamed it on their cleaning lady. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I'd be more inclined to believe them, if they hadn't lied about *not* knowing any smokers. Huge untruth. During March Madness, that backyard was chock-o-block full of smoking and drinking men.

So anywho. Be wary of your neighbors, folks. You just never know when you're going to come home to a blazing fence!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


So we reached 20 weeks a few days ago which means we're officially halfway through this pregnancy. I'm also 6 months now. I know. Time flies and all that. Zaphod's doing well. She moves. A lot. I've finally figured out her schedule and can sort of try to get into bed a little early so I'm fully asleep before she starts doing her calisthenics.

And, yes, we have a name picked out. We've had one picked out for a while but we're just not ready to share. This our little secret for the time being. Also I'm terrified of having our own ass hamster moment. You know, George and Angie, right?


Right. So on Scrubs, when Turk and Carla finally get pregnant, they choose their baby names. Carla chooses Angie and Turk chooses Fukwan. Obviously, Carla puts the kibosh on that and suggests George instead. Once they've agreed on their names, Carla forbids Turk from telling anyone. He, of course, can't keep his trap shut and spills the beans to JD. Fast forward to JD in the pediatric ward playing with a group of kids. When they ask for a name for the hamster, JD suggests Angie. Not long after, Carla and Turk pass by and overhear the kids referring to the hamster as Angie. A hamster that had been found in the ass of a dead patient earlier that morning.

So, yeah, ridicule me for being overly cautious, but I'll just die if someone names their ass hamster after my baby.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Susan Boyle

*Fixed Link*

Isn't Susan Boyle just fabulous? Seriously, I cried like a little girl when watching her perform. I felt so bad for her when the crowd was so rude as she talked to the judges at the beginning of her audition. When she opened her mouth and all that brilliance flowed forth, I felt like jumping up and down and screaming, "Vindication!"

Isn't it sad how so many of us view women of a certain age or women without cover model looks as inferior or deserving of our derision? I think I relate to Susan Boyle so much because I was Susan Boyle. As a teenager I was very involved in choir and musical theater. I won all sorts of competitions and more--but I never received the lead in a musical.

Well, there was that one time I was a lead character---but I had to dress up like a man in a fat suit and alter my natural soprano to fit the part. Thank goodness my voice is versatile! I'll never forget being called back in after the audition and told I was the natural choice for the female lead but I just didn't look the part.

After that production, I never auditioned again. I accepted that a slightly chubby girl with some of the unfortunate side effects of PCOS wasn't cut out for the world of musical theater and focused all of my attention on my real passion: writing. Maybe that embarassing experience was a blessing in disguise. After all, I'm getting paid to do what I love now!

So huge-o kudos to you, Susan Boyle, for never letting the bastards get you down!!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dos Equis

No, not the totally delicious beer. The chromosomes. As in, our baby has two--count 'em--two X chromosomes. That's right! I'm currently incubating the very first baby girl grandchild on either side of our families. Can you say future Miss Priss? Oh, yes. I'm quite sure she's going to be quite spoiled.

She's right on track for growth and measures one day ahead of my due date so no biggie. The weight estimate is eleven ounces which is right on target for 19.5 weeks. My placenta looks like it's almost in the "right" place too so I'm not as worried about problems during delivery.

During the ultrasound, she was a smidge ornery. She seems to like the far left side of my uterus where she curls up into a little ball. She'd move around just enough to allow the tech to get the pics she needed of various organs and bones, but as far as the money shot was concerned, she kept those little ankles crossed like a tea cozy knitting prude until the last two minutes of the ultrasound study. Oh, and we saw more jazz hands and a whole helluva lot of "talking." I had the distinct feeling she was telling us to eff off so she could nap.

The best part of the ultrasound? Dave. Seriously. Huge nerd pants over here. Enjoy this gem.

Dave, staring at u/s screen: I don't know. It just looks like George Washington to me.

Me: Dude, this isn't a Rorschach test!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Amazon = Morality Police?

Update the First: So it's not not just books with sex in them. Anything labeled GLBT has gotten the axe. Young adult novels with gay or lesbian protagonists and no sex anywhere in the text have been pulled from the rankings and search functions. Classics written by DH Lawrence are gone, baby, gone. Oh, and even Well of Loneliness, a Victorian era lesbian novel is gone. That novel's offensive and adult sex scene? Oh, yeah, it consists of this one line: And that night they were not divided. Oh my god! Such filth! Get the eye bleach!

Hey, but you can search for Playboy and get an eyeful of the raunchiest big-boobed ho-bags hosed down with baby oil but Heather Has Two Mommies, a children's book for crying out loud, is verboten. Vibrators and anal dildos? Oh, yeah, totally available. Foucault's History of Sex? Nein! Alan Moore's Lost Girls (aka kiddie-porn esque graphic novel)? A-OKAY!

Really, Amazon? Really?


Amazon Rank


So some fucknut at Amazon has made the decision to pull all sales ranking of any book with dirty sex or gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered themes. These "adult" books will no longer appear on bestseller lists even if they're number one in fiction or nonfiction. They've even made it impossible to find the latest releases of some of the hottest erotic romance authors like Maya Banks, Jaci Burton, and Larissa Ione/Stephanie Tyler writing as Sydney Croft. What. The. Fuck.

This mindfuckery is off the chain. Who appointed Amazon the morality police of what books should be easily searchable and purchased? This kind of censorship seriously chaps my ass. Why is that the people who object so loudly to books with sex or the gays (oh noes!) have to ruin it for the rest of us? Jeez, get a life!

If you'd like to see what authors are affected by this check out Dear Author's post which includes links and comments from many people in the business.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Final Countdown

So we're in the final countdown to discovering whether Zaphod's naughty bits are dangly or not. We've been getting a lot of phone calls and texts over the last day or two asking curious questions about Zaphod. Are you carrying high or low? Hey, what's the baby's heart rate? Er, any names picked out yet?

I'm sort of wondering if my brothers or sister aren't running a hot dog or cheeseburger pool. It wouldn't surprise me. There's nothing my siblings like more than a little gambling. Football squares, craps, poker--baby gender and due date pools?

We have the anatomy scan on Tuesday afternoon. I have no idea what to expect on that grainy screen. The morning I had my positive pregnancy test, I thought, "Yep. This is our little girl." But then we had the first ultrasound and I had the distinct feeling it was a boy. Most days I lean toward girl but some days I feel like it's a boy. Some days I wonder if maybe my son is going to have an inclination toward My Little Pony or my daughter an affinity for power tools and softball. That would explain Mommy's mixed feelings....

At this point, I don't really give a poo about gender. Would it be fun to have the first little girl born on either side of our families? Oh, hell yes! But, seriously, I'm just so happy to be having a baby at all, I'll be overjoyed with ten fingers and ten toes. Then again who knows if Zaphod will cooperate with the ultrasound tech. (S)he likes to get all scrunched up in the left side of my uterus. I'm hoping a little prodding and pressure will coax a flash or two but I'm not going to hold my breath. Zaphod has already shown (s)he's not a fan of ultrasound or doppler waves. It took Dr. A a minute or so to find Zaphod yesterday during my prenatal visit. Of course (s)he was way down on the left side of my belly--and kicking and punching like a mofo at the doppler waves. Uncomfortable much? Oh, yeah...

And am I the only preggo chick who is terrifed of peeing during the ultrasound? Seriously, asking a pregnant woman to drink, like, 8 glasses of water, hold it for two plus hours and then not do the peepee squirmy dance on top of the exam table while the tech smashes around on her belly is just obnoxious. I've already told Dave I'm packing an extra set of jeans and skivvies and a towel. I'm also practicing my "Nothing to see her, folks!" scuttle since you have to cross a waiting room between radiology and the restrooms.

Anywho. Must get back to work. The smut, she beckons!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Talk

*Fair warning. This is probably going to ruffle some feathers.*

So it turns out Dave and I have pretty good instincts when it comes to kids and sex. I'm watching Oprah and having all of my instincts confirmed. What is with these uptight parents who can't tell their kids about masturbation? Seriously, I look at these parents and think, "Holy shit! You're the reason so many girls in my generation are ashamed of their bodies and can't have orgasms!" What a crock! Quit pushing your hangups onto your kids!

Dave and I have agreed that nothing will ever be off limits with Zaphod. I'm incredibly comfortable talking about sex and the human body, and I want my kid(s) to be empowered and proud of his/her body too. I don't ever want Zaphod to be ashamed of his penis or her vagina or think it's something dirty. Plus if you make something secret or forbidden, kids are going to get curious. Curiosity without proper information could be a death sentence! HIV is not a joke. I want Zaphod to know about condoms, dental dams, diaphragms, the IUD, and the pros and cons of hormonal birth control so (s)he can make the smartest sexual decisions. Sure, I'm going to talk to my kids about abstinence, but I live in reality and in reality teenagers have sex. A lot.

More importantly, I want my kid(s) to grow up to have amazing, fulfilling and responsible sex lives. That means telling my kids about masturbation (oh noes!) so they can figure out how their naughty bits work before they jump into bed with someone they love. Also, teaching my daughter/son to own their sexuality and embrace the pleasure of sex will help incorporate the idea of emotion and respect being such an important part of the sexual experience. I'd rather my kid take matters into his/her own hands than rely on a partner for his/her satisfaction.

I never want my daughter to feel like she's broken or a failure just because she can't hit the Big O with a little thrusting. (I'm looking at you old skool romance novels with your misleading man-titty covers and sex scenes!) I don't want my son to feel like he's failing either because his "mad skills" aren't getting the job done. If Zaphod is gay or a lesbian or transgendered then Dave and I will make sure we're plugged into the proper channels to get our kid the information (s)he needs to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Obviously, I think information needs to be tailored to the age of the kid, but I think waiting too long is dangerous. If parents think their twelve-year-old girls aren't sitting around talking about giving head, they're so out of touch. Dudes, they're talking about things far beyond oral sex. You should look at the self-reporting statistics of teen girls engaging in anal sex. They're shocking! But, hey, you can't get pregnant if it's in the backdoor, right? Uh, not quite. And that's my problem with abstinence only education. It breeds shame and really dangerous behaviors. How can you make safe choices about your health if you've only been told Don't Do It?

But that's another topic for another time.

When my sister was in 7th grade, there were pregnant girls in her class. Am I naive enough to think my sister didn't sit around and talk about sex with her friends? Hell no! I have it on very good authority they were discussing the pros and cons of the pullout method. Can you imagine what would have happened if Tricia hadn't had me or Mom to ask about the mechanics of sex? She'd be getting all of her sexual information from her peers. Yeah, that's safe. I was so glad Mom and Dad put Tricia into a comprehensive sex-ed course that year. She learned about abstinence, safer sex, and even dating violence and rape. That's a great thing!

Look, my mom was pretty open with me. A friend told me about sex when I was maybe seven. At eight, I started menstruating (yay for premature menopause!) but wasn't that shocked because Mom had explained my period when she told me about sex a year earlier. She didn't give me all the down and dirty details but she gave me enough information to prepare me to make the right choices.

Most importantly, she kept the channels of communication open. I'm sure she hated some of the frank questions I asked but she always managed to give me a satisfying answer. I am so effing grateful for that because I never felt the need to cave to peer pressure. I waited until I found the right guy (turned out to be the only guy) and--omg--it was amazing. And safe. Maybe I hit the jackpot with Dave-O or maybe my mother's version of The Talk which stressed love and respect was key. I don't know. Maybe it's a bit of both. Either way, I'm determined to give our kids the same chance.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


So I'm not sure what's going on with my new and improved Mommy Brain (now with more organizational skills!) but I'm jonesing to craft. Today, I spent most of the afternoon planning out my Cinco De Mayo projects and am already looking ahead to Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos. Since Zaphod is due on Labor Day (ironic, yes?) I won't have much time to decorate in late September/early October. My goal is to have all my nifty new coasters, lanterns, curtains, and table cloths ready to go by late July. I've even started a little decorating plan for Dave to follow because I doubt I'll be able to climb up and down on a step ladder with a baby attached to my booby.

Sigh. Hang on. Must run upstairs and get Bosley off the bed in the guest room!

Back. Where was I? Oh yes. Crafting. I'm also looking into making Dave a luchador mask. If it goes well, I might make a couple for my brothers. Or Zaphod. OMG! Can you imagine how cute that would be? Me, Dave, and Zaphod in stretchy pants and luchador masks for Halloween 2010!

Must find tiny luchador mask...

Monday, April 06, 2009

Mommy Pissing Contest

Seriously, what's with Mommies Groups and the pissing contests? I've had to leave my September Mommies Group because the women there are such hags. I'd always heard mommies could be vicious but this is just insane. What is it about motherhood that some women feel gives them the right to criticize and preen? How nuts are these women? Let's see...

For starters, I admitted to eating summer sausage straight from the fridge when I was about, oh, eleven weeks pregnant. I thought these women were going to blow their pupils. Apparently, I'm a horrendously bad mommy-to-be because I've exposed Zaphod to listeria and nitrates. Oh, noes! Seriously, I'm not going to avoid hot dogs, sausage, deli meat and pepperoni just because there's the teeniest, tiniest chance I might eat something festering with listeria. I probably shouldn't tell them about the tuna sandwiches, Diet Dr. Peppers and occasional Pepsis I have. My OB and midwife gave me the guidelines of the absolute no-nos but their practice is really big on all things in moderation.

Secondly, I'm losing weight. I'm not doing it on purpose! Yes, I'm working out regularly but not nearly as hard as I was before I became pregnant. I watch what I eat and strive for balance. I'm not, you know, starving myself or anything. These women, however, think I'm obsessed with my weight or something. Am I concerned about my weight gain during the pregnancy? Uh, yeah. I know the statistics of overweight women and complications from gestational diabetes and high blood pressure and c-sections. But there's a huge difference in being obsessed and being smart about the foods I put in my mouth.

Third, cloth diapering. Yeah, we're going to cloth diaper. What's it to you? Apparently, it's everyone's business that Dave and I have chosen the cloth diapering route. If I hear one more person tell me we won't stick with it because it's so hard and they're so dirty and it's so much work, I swear to god I'm going to pull out the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. How can someone who has never used a cloth diaper know anything about cloth diapering? I mean, seriously, folks. We're not stupid. We've been researching cloth diapering since we started this trying to make a baby business. I know dozens of women who use cloth diapering and have taken the time to give me all their tips and tricks. I'm not going into this all naive and granola or something.

Same goes for breastfeeding. Yeah, I'm going to try my damndest to breastfeed. I'm already signed up for La Leche League classes and have a lactaction consultant/midwife at my OB's practice and a list of LLL members who will make home calls for women trying to establish breastfeeding 24/7. Again, I'm not naive. I know fully well the first 3-4 weeks of breastfeeding are terrible, but I'm putting together a support system to enable me to focus on getting Zaphod hooked on the booby. Now, obviously, if I can't make enough milk (PCOS is notorious for causing low or no milk supply) then I'll happily move to formula and that's that. But I'm going to give breastfeeding my all before I throw in the towel.

Finally, I'm really sick and tired of being criticized for my desire for the most natural birth I can get. You know, I'm not ignorant of what's involved in the birthing process. I'm fully aware it's going to hurt like a motherfucker, but you know what, I'm preparing for that reality now. Look, I've got nothing against women who choose to utilize pain relief in labor. Good for you! We all have to make the choices that are right for our unique situation. But quit giving me that patronizing smile or laughing at me just because I want something different.

I'm in the childbirth-isn't-an-illness camp and will refuse most intervention during labor. The research is painfully clear that every intervention (epidural, breaking of waters, pitocin augmentation, internal fetal monitoring) increases the risk of c-section. Dave is completely supportive of my no-intervention choice as is Dr. A. She's in the no c-section unless it's an emergency camp. The only non-emergency c-sections she does are those for women who choose not to try a VBAC and want a second or third c-section. All of the other docs in the practice are very laid back and encourage vaginal births because they have the best outcomes for mommy and baby.

Even though I want a natural birth, I'm already making backup c-section plans. Why? Because I know shit can go wrong. There's no guarantee I won't develop pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes or worse. Also my placenta may not move. If it doesn't, I'll likely have to have a c-section to avoid placental abruption. Yeah, I'd really like to not bleed to death if my placenta rips free from my uterus during a hard contraction. But I'm funny like that...

So yes we've talked about the realities of a c-section and made some tentative plans. I think it's totally healthy to envision my birth going both ways. I'm not inflexible when it comes to my birthing plan. I understand that sometimes things happen and plans change and that's okay.

Meh, I just wish all mommies could get along. I sometimes feel like so many of these women lash out at those of us not towing the traditional line because they have insecurities of their own. As for me, I've got bigger things to worry about than whether or not the mommy sitting next to me has her kid in Huggies or FuzziBunz.


I'm still laughing about this and it happened four hours ago. Dave had been upstairs with Bosley doing something or other in the Man Cave. I heard them barreling downstairs and looked up as they came into the living room. The first words out of Dave's mouth were, "Did you pull out my sausage?"

Oh. My. God. I almost died. I laughed so hard Zaphod went nuts and started his/her Karate Kid routine. Dave was totally oblivious as I guffawed and fought to breathe. When I repeated it to him, his ears went red. In all fairness, he was asking about some sausage he'd put in the oven--and forgotten about while messing around in the Man Cave.

And, yes, I did in fact pull out his sausage.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

One Year

So today (April 1) is the one year anniversary of my get fit and healthy challenge. To date, I've lost 46-49 pounds. There's a bit of a question there because my weights the last few mornings have been all over the place. (Zaphod related, I'm sure.) Without the pregnancy, I'm fairly confident I would have hit my first 63 pound goal, but whatever. I got a baby instead!

My weight control has been surprisingly excellent despite the pregnancy. I'm eating better than ever, getting in workouts (though not as many as I'd like,) and have lost another three-five pounds. I'm almost at the halfway mark of this gestation game, and I'm thrilled (and secretly shocked) I've been able to keep it together this long. My OB and midwife have set 26-28 weeks as target for my first weight gain. I think I'll make it!

A low (but healthy) weight gain in pregnancy means my post-natal bounce back will be fabulous. I'm determined to get the rest of this weight (fifty-five pounds or so) off by the time Zaphod's 18 months old. Hell, I even plan to run a 10K charity race to celebrate. Am I nuts? Oh, hell yes. But I refuse to let Zaphod (or any of our other kids) suffer from bad eating and exercise habits. Good habits start at home, and I'm going to be that role model for my kiddos. With the craptastic genes they'll likely inherit, they're going to need all the preventative help they can get!