Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Talk

*Fair warning. This is probably going to ruffle some feathers.*

So it turns out Dave and I have pretty good instincts when it comes to kids and sex. I'm watching Oprah and having all of my instincts confirmed. What is with these uptight parents who can't tell their kids about masturbation? Seriously, I look at these parents and think, "Holy shit! You're the reason so many girls in my generation are ashamed of their bodies and can't have orgasms!" What a crock! Quit pushing your hangups onto your kids!

Dave and I have agreed that nothing will ever be off limits with Zaphod. I'm incredibly comfortable talking about sex and the human body, and I want my kid(s) to be empowered and proud of his/her body too. I don't ever want Zaphod to be ashamed of his penis or her vagina or think it's something dirty. Plus if you make something secret or forbidden, kids are going to get curious. Curiosity without proper information could be a death sentence! HIV is not a joke. I want Zaphod to know about condoms, dental dams, diaphragms, the IUD, and the pros and cons of hormonal birth control so (s)he can make the smartest sexual decisions. Sure, I'm going to talk to my kids about abstinence, but I live in reality and in reality teenagers have sex. A lot.

More importantly, I want my kid(s) to grow up to have amazing, fulfilling and responsible sex lives. That means telling my kids about masturbation (oh noes!) so they can figure out how their naughty bits work before they jump into bed with someone they love. Also, teaching my daughter/son to own their sexuality and embrace the pleasure of sex will help incorporate the idea of emotion and respect being such an important part of the sexual experience. I'd rather my kid take matters into his/her own hands than rely on a partner for his/her satisfaction.

I never want my daughter to feel like she's broken or a failure just because she can't hit the Big O with a little thrusting. (I'm looking at you old skool romance novels with your misleading man-titty covers and sex scenes!) I don't want my son to feel like he's failing either because his "mad skills" aren't getting the job done. If Zaphod is gay or a lesbian or transgendered then Dave and I will make sure we're plugged into the proper channels to get our kid the information (s)he needs to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Obviously, I think information needs to be tailored to the age of the kid, but I think waiting too long is dangerous. If parents think their twelve-year-old girls aren't sitting around talking about giving head, they're so out of touch. Dudes, they're talking about things far beyond oral sex. You should look at the self-reporting statistics of teen girls engaging in anal sex. They're shocking! But, hey, you can't get pregnant if it's in the backdoor, right? Uh, not quite. And that's my problem with abstinence only education. It breeds shame and really dangerous behaviors. How can you make safe choices about your health if you've only been told Don't Do It?

But that's another topic for another time.

When my sister was in 7th grade, there were pregnant girls in her class. Am I naive enough to think my sister didn't sit around and talk about sex with her friends? Hell no! I have it on very good authority they were discussing the pros and cons of the pullout method. Can you imagine what would have happened if Tricia hadn't had me or Mom to ask about the mechanics of sex? She'd be getting all of her sexual information from her peers. Yeah, that's safe. I was so glad Mom and Dad put Tricia into a comprehensive sex-ed course that year. She learned about abstinence, safer sex, and even dating violence and rape. That's a great thing!

Look, my mom was pretty open with me. A friend told me about sex when I was maybe seven. At eight, I started menstruating (yay for premature menopause!) but wasn't that shocked because Mom had explained my period when she told me about sex a year earlier. She didn't give me all the down and dirty details but she gave me enough information to prepare me to make the right choices.

Most importantly, she kept the channels of communication open. I'm sure she hated some of the frank questions I asked but she always managed to give me a satisfying answer. I am so effing grateful for that because I never felt the need to cave to peer pressure. I waited until I found the right guy (turned out to be the only guy) and--omg--it was amazing. And safe. Maybe I hit the jackpot with Dave-O or maybe my mother's version of The Talk which stressed love and respect was key. I don't know. Maybe it's a bit of both. Either way, I'm determined to give our kids the same chance.

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