Monster Mash!

So Halloween is my most favorite holiday. I love October. It's my birthday month. Fall starts. Pumpkins and cinnamon and nutmeg and yummy squash are everywhere. I get to decorate the house and buy those nifty little candy bars and play Boris Pickett and The Crypt Kickers and make popcorn balls. How great is that?

I started my Halloween movie marathon a few days ago. I've got tons on my list to watch and I might have to go into next week to get them all done. It's a good excuse to avoid the TV campaign commercials! My list is loaded with classics, comedies, and B movies galore. I'm not a big gore fan.

A few years back, I made the mistake of watching Takashi Miike's AUDITION. I'd never seen or heard of the film so when I sat down to watch it I didn't know what to expect. Holy hell. I ended up puking my guts out for most of the night and didn't sleep for, like, four days. No really. It was a horrendously terrifying and disgusting film. I mean, like, super disturbing. Seriously, Rob Zombie did an interview about this film, and as he discussed it, he got this totally squeamish look on his face and shuddered. Rob effing Zombie folks.

*Spoilers ahead*

This dude decides he needs a new wife to replace his dead one so he holds this fake audition. This cute young woman shows up and he's like, omg, I love you. And she's like yay! But his friend is like, "Dude, she gives me the creeps." He doesn't listen because there's just something about her.

Cut to a scene with said creepy yet adorable young woman sitting in an unfurnished apartment. She's just staring at this phone, waiting for it to ring. There's a burlap sack on the floor near her. The phone rings. The burlap sack lurches and gurgles. She answers the phone and dating ensues. They finally decide to do the deed. She tells him all about her sexual abuse as a child and shows him these burns on her body. She urges him to love her, only her. He says he will.

In the morning, he wakes up and she's gone. He searches for her. He finds out all these really weird things about her by visiting the places on the resume she used during her audition. A lot of people she listed as references are, like, dead or missing. In one case a body was found with extra body parts. But he luuurrvves her so he just keeps on searching.

She, meanwhile, visits his house and finds a picture of his dead wife. She loses her shit and spikes his drink. She hides. He comes home, has a drink, and passes out. Then the audience is treated to a flashback where the crazy chick eats dinner and barfs it into a dog food dish. The burlap sack is opened and a naked dude missing a whole lot of important body parts slithers out of the bag and stuffs his face into the vomit--and laps it up because he's, like, starving.

So back to the present. The guy wakes up from the drugs and sees his dog all fucked up and dead. The chick comes in and injects him with some kind of paralytic drug that makes it impossible for him to move but unbelievably aware of what's going on with his body. She tortures him with needles in his eyes and belly. The whole time, she's rambling about how he loves too many people and things. She killed the dog because he loved it. She's going to kill his son because he loves him. I mean, she's really twisted. She then uses a garroting razor wire thing to hack off his foot. And she's got this totally orgasmic, blissful face as she's hacking this guy to bits.

The son unexpectedly arrives. She tries to knock him out with a spray bottle of paralyzing juice but the son evades the spritz and knocks her crazy ass down the stairs. She breaks her neck. Son calls the police. The end.

*End Spoilers*

So, yeah, after that horrid experience, I swore off gore. What am I watching this year then?

Prophecy
Prophecy 2
Prophecy 3
Bubba Hotep
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ghostbusters
Beetlejuice
Tremors
From Hell
Sleepy Hollow
The Burbs
Hocus Pocus
The Devil's Rejects
Transylvania 6-5000
Mary Reilly
Little Shop of Horros
In the Blood
Shadow of the Vampire
Fido
The Insatiable
The Frighteners
The Witches of Eastwick
Rebecca
Rocky Horror Picture Show (watching right now)
Rosemary's Baby
The Lost Boys
30 Days of Night
Hellraiser
Severance
Elvira: Werewolf of Washington
Wolf
Kinky Killers
The Rats
Elvira: The Devil's Wedding Night
Elvira: Count Dracula's Great Love
Elvira: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks
Young Frankenstein
Elvira: Legacy of the Blood
Elvira: Doomsday Machine