Milk Maid

Just today I realized Nyx will be 6 months old the morning of her surgery. I also realized I've been breastfeeding that entire time. I'll be honest. I'm stunned I made it this long.

When we were pregnant, Dave and I knew we wanted to give breastfeeding that ole college try because it really is the best food for a baby. Formula is great for those mommies who can't make breastmilk (and, yes, there are women who try so hard to make even just a few drops of milk but can't) but I wanted to see if I could give my kiddo nature's finest.

That first week was absolute hell. Nyx wasn't allowed to even attempt feeding from the breast so I pumped and pumped and pumped and fed her through a syringe and nipple. I made so much colostrum that first morning after her birth but then for two whole days I was lucky to get a drop or two. Then, suddenly, on the third day I was gushing milk.

I'm not kidding when I say my boobies swelled up to I or J cups. My tatas were bigger than my six pound five ounce kiddo. They were ginormous! Even today my gazangas fit a FF or G cup depending on the bra cut. (FF=For Fuck's Sake!) (G=Great Googly Moogly!)

Once Nyx was able to attempt latching, we had to use a nipple shield because her mouth was tiny. I also had to wear those evil tit torture device things called shells in my bra all effing day long. They basically grab hold of your nipple and form it into the "right" shape. Yeah, um, not comfortable.

During that time, I was still pumping extra milk. Nyx ate 12 times a day straight from the tap. I was able to pump an additional 12 to 16 feedings worth of milk. That's right. I was producing a total of 48-56 ounces of milk per day. One of the icky side effects a lot of NICU mommies face is oversupply. It is a bitch. Your boobs are on fire 24/7 and leak milk every time a baby--any baby--makes even the faintest of noises. I would have let down and spill two or three ounces of milk. Embarrassing!

After Nyx was home from TCH and we had some time to work on latch, I ditched the shield and shells. We figured it out and made it work. It hurt like hell though. "They" say breastfeeding done right doesn't hurt. LIES. It does. All mommies I know breastfeed experienced that same pins and needles let down sensation during the first few weeks. It does go away but it's rough until you get to that point. Lots of foot stomping and hissing.

While at TCH, Nyx refused to take breastmilk from a bottle, a problem we still face today. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing more intimate and beautiful than nursing your baby but let's be honest. Every mommy needs a break. It's impossible to take even a nap when your booby baby won't let Daddy give her a bottle of breastmilk. We're also facing a bit of a problem after the kiddo's surgery. She won't be able to nurse for a few days so she will have to take the bottle. Dave can get her to take just about 3 ounces before she gets really pissed and starts demanding her booby. At least we know she won't starve.

Nyx still eats every 3 hours or so around the clock. Sometimes she makes it four hours. Introducing solids, despite what everyone told me, didn't make one bit of difference in her milk intake schedule. And that's okay. Those feeding schedules are lame. Sure, they work for some babies but not all of them. Nyx is one of those babies and I'm not going to press the issue. She can eat what she wants, when she wants.

Looking back, I see how incredibly lucky I was to have such an amazing support system. Dave was so involved in our breastfeeding class and did everything he could to help me during those tough early days of constant pumping. I had access to some truly wonderful lactation consultants at Texas Children's Hospital's Milk Bank. Stress can cause a lot of problems with supply but those women knew all the tricks to help out frazzled mamas.

The nutritionist who visited us when the cardiologists were pushing supplementation of formula was so kind and very well informed. We did the weigh before and after thing and proved Nyx was taking in plenty of milk. I mean, come on! The kid gained 2 pounds in the two weeks after her discharge from TCH.

And our pediatrician! Dr. Svendsen is amazing. She nursed all of her babies while working full-time. She plots breastfed babies on a separate weight gain chart too. When Dr. Patt was a little concerned about Nyx not gaining fast enough (he sees mainly formula babies,) Dr. Svendsen put the kibosh on any supplementation discussion. Nyx gains 1-1.5 pounds a month. She's a squishy little chubster. Obviously she's gaining fine.

It's funny now but back in the early days when I was pumping or fighting with latching problems or shoving my boobies into those evil shells, I would tell Dave, "Fuck this! I quit!" But I didn't. I would tell myself just one more day. Then it was just one more week. Now I'm terrified of weaning. The thought of losing out on my nursing time with Nyx makes me so sad. I used to think those mommies with nursing three year olds were nuts. Now I know better.

You watch. I'm going to be that hippie mama kicked back on a park bench with her five year old booby barnacle latched on tight!