Sabotage

So I didn't run or workout for ten days. Ten freakin' days. Ugh. Luckily, I kept my diet clean so I managed to lose 2 pounds but still. I didn't effing move! And why, you ask. Because I'm paralyzed with fear that all of this hard work is for nothing.

When I started this weight loss adventure, it was with the sincere hope it would help my PCOS. I want to have a family with Dave. I want to be pregnant. I want to carry a child that's half me and half Dave. I want what others so blithely take for granted.

So I've worked my ass off--literally and figuratively. But it's just not working. My PCOS symptoms are out of control. I'm almost forty pounds lighter and I'm in a worse situation than I was at my highest weight. It's so fucking disheartening. I lost the motivation to get out there and move my ass.

Looking back, I realize I made a colossal mistake in tying my weight loss to my fertility. Instead of being so happy and rightfully proud of my progress, I'm bitter. I see so many women in my support group in the 300-400 plus range who have loads of babies and healthy pregnancies and fairly regular cycles. It upsets me so badly. I have a hard time getting over the fact that I'm doing everything right and still nothing.

Don't get me wronge. I don't begrudge anyone a child. I know what a blessing a child is. But, still, it's so difficult to swallow the unfairness of unprepared or unfit or uncaring couples having children.

So mini rant over now. I'm moving forward. Yesterday I worked out for an hour. I used to be able to do my cardio and strength training routine so easily but after ten days of nothing it was difficult. I huffed and puffed my way through it though. Tomorrow I run. No excuses. Hell, I even started a full cleaning of the house. Clean my space, clear my mind.

No more excuses. No more pity parties.